I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
By Earl Boretz

It was completely unexpected.  I was just sitting there at the party, totally involved with my own thoughts.  All heads turned simultaneously, as if choreographed.  There in the doorway stood the most stunning woman I've ever seen.  Not only was she perfect, but her clothes and accessories demonstrated impeccable taste.  Her jacket had a deep v-neck and was cut in a circular fashion with two large white buttons holding it closed.  The jacket was a dark blue, almost navy in color.  Under it was a white blouse.  It was so white you could almost see a glare.  Under the collar was a bright red ribbon about an inch wide.  The contrast of color was magnificent.  Her skirt matched the jacket and her shoes were the color of the ribbon.  She was blond, with deep blue eyes, and lips that matched the ensemble.  Her nail polish was also a perfect match.  She reeked with class.   

I don't know about anyone else, but my eyes began at the floor and slowly meandered over every shape and curve until I reached the end.  Having recovered from the captivating experience, my mind began to explore avenues of introduction.  My first thought was, "Are you kidding?  You can't really be serious!"  My second thought, "Hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained."  Well, here goes nothing. 

I cleared my throat, and did all I could to make myself look good.  I walked over and said, "Hi!  My name is Don Juan," trying to break the ice with a little humor.  She cracked a smile, and said, "Hi to you!  My name is Queen Isabella."  We shook hands.  She was as pleasant and nice as she was beautiful.  An unexpected combination.   

I asked if I could buy her a drink and she said, "Sure!  I don't want to pass up a drink with Don Juan."  I complimented her attire.  I asked what she did for a living.  Well, everyone can't be perfect.  She said she was an attorney in private practice.  Thoughts began going through my mind, what if she asks what I do for a living?  I thought neurosurgeon, rocket scientist, research physicist, chemist.  Eh, what the heck?  I'll tell her the truth.  I'm a sanitation engineer.  It didn't phase her.  I couldn't believe it.  She smelled as good as she looked.  She used just the right amount of perfume, with a subtle aroma.  Her makeup, if she used any, and she was a woman, was also perfect.  I was really feeling great; every male in the room was eyeing me.  I really wanted to yell at them, "Eat your hearts out!"  But this was a class act, and no way was I going to jeopardize it. 

It was time to unmask.  I'm pretty sure she didn't think I was Don Juan.  I told her my real name and she told me hers.  I nearly fell off my barstool.  You can't be serious!  Honestly, you're really Little Goldilocks.  She said, "The one and only."   

Then it dawned on me, I never knew what happened to her when she ran out of the house of the Three Bears.  I said, "But that's a fairy tale!" 

She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "If you think an attorney would date a sanitation engineer, you, too, are living in a fairy tale."

WHAT WENT WRONG
By Earl Boretz

I was coming out of the supermarket before the strike when I was approached by a stranger.  He asked if I would like free tickets to a TV show.  As they were free I said why not, and thanked him.  I read the ticket carefully, and thought it was going to be a kid show.   It was the "Captain Kangaroo Show." 

I don't know how it happened.  I was on my way to the show when I passed a bar.  I stopped in and had a few drinks.  Once again, I was on my way, feeling pretty good.  Somehow, I entered the wrong door.  I was lost.  I continued to fumble around when I ended up in a green room.  There was food and grog for the taking.  Not being one to pass up such an opportunity, I availed myself, indulged would be a better word.  A few more drinks and I encountered a pink kangaroo named Ashley.  Soon there were some pink elephants, even a pink cat named Pinky.  I was in the midst of a pink zoo. 

I immediately yelled for help.  Someone came.  I told them I am allergic to animals.  I began to sneeze and someone handed me a pink tissue.  I awoke the next day.  The pink kangaroo and all the other animals were gone.  I had a terrible headache, but other than that, I was in the pink.